DEBRA DIANE MAYFIELD MOTHER OF THREE JENNIFER,ASHLEY AND LEVI

Momma, March 16, 2003 Now that your gone I don't know what to do. I feel as if I am locked inside this big white room with a million doors and I only have one chance to choose the right door. I don't know what I am suppose to do now. I have never been this lost before in my life. I can no longer see any wrong in you. I cant remember what you wrong you've done to me. It is all gone. All I wanted is for you to be here for me. I wanted to go and find you and take you to safety. Momma I need you. I am not suppose to be doing this. You are suppose to be there for my wedding and be there to greet your grandchild. You are suppose to be here now. I know you are in heaven but I want you here with me now. I cant help but to be selfish because I want you. Momma I just want to tell you I love you. I know I didn't tell you enough and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for every mean thing I told you. I just thought that if I acted like that way it would help you want to change. I am only 19 Momma. I know that you feel that I didn't need you any more but I do. I know you were there on Sunday morning while I was calling your name because I heard you call my name. I heard in your voice "Jenaboo". I know it was you. Momma I pray for you every night before I go to bed. You are the first and last person that I ask God to bless and watch over. It's been that way my whole life. There is something about you Momma, I don't know what. I just keep remembering all those crazy times we had. Like that time at the house on 202 when you and Steve were arguing and you hit the ceiling with the broom and Steve was like "Ooh Debra Daddy is gonna get you" and you said "Oh yeah watch this" and just started poking holes in the ceiling. Or when we lived in Biloxi and we went to Shell Island on the hottest day of the year! Oh we was crazy! Or when you took me and Ashley to Gulf World and we stayed all day long. Momma you left me and took half of me with you. I know I said some mean things but I thought it was gonna help you, not push you away. I just wanted you to change and be here for me, Ashley, and Levi. What do I do? I wanna hold you, I wanna hear you laugh, I wanna just hug you so much Momma. I am lost. I feel like I am dreaming and I am gonna wake up in a minute. But I am not Momma, you are really gone and it don't seem real. I keep thinking you are not gone that you are still out there and I just need to go find you and bring you home. I know that you are not hurting anymore Momma that you are up there with Mommaw Fick, but I want you here with me. I am not this strong. I feel like if I just sleep that I am gonna sleep through it. I just want to run Momma, I want to run away from all of this. I want to find you and let you wrap your arms around me and tell me everything is gonna be alright. How am I suppose to make it without you being here Momma. Please tell me how. Please just tell me that I am gonna be alright. We miss you so much Momma. Please don't leave me now. Please just come back and be here with me. I want to go with you Momma I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be there with you. You are right Momma I don't understand. I don't understand why it was stronger than you why you just couldn't just change and be my Momma. I just wanted you to call me and tell me you were ok. I just wanted you to come and see me. I know you were scared and I was too Momma. I didn't know where you were. I didn't know if you had food to eat, somewhere to sleep and be warm. I was scared because I didn't know where you were. Momma I need you. Please just come back. Tell God that you are not ready to go. Tell him I need you to be here with me. I want to turn back time so that I can go find you and bring you home. Momma I wouldn't have told nobody where you was. I only told Mommaw because I didn't want this to happen. This is what I was scared of. Momma I knew that one day this was gonna happen. I just didn't think it was gonna happen for real. I am not ready to let you go. Momma just promise that you will look in on me everyday. Promise that you won't forget about me. Momma I can't stop crying I can't stop hurting. I just don't understand. Why? Why Momma? Why did you have to go now? You had so much more of your life to live and I just don't understand. You had so much more of my life to share with me. I know you are gonna watch me from heaven but I want you here with me. I just don't understand what I did. I feel as if I am being punished. Momma I just never got the chance to tell you how much you taught me. You taught me to stand up and to have the courage and the strength to never want to touch drugs. You showed me what a good person I am. I just wanted to show you how good of a daughter I could be and how good of a Mother you are. Momma why didn't you call? I just want to hear your voice. You know they say that God will never give you more than you can handle and he is pushing me to my limit. I just feel as if I don't have the strength to do this. Momma help me! I need some strength. I just don't feel like I can go another day. I want to come with you Momma. I don't want to live in the Hell that this world has become and I know that you are in a better place and that Jesus came and got you because heaven is a better place for you to be. I can't wait for the day when I come and join you in heaven. I want you to be at that gate waiting on me and watch me get my wings. Momma I am through. I am making you a promise. From now on I am living my life right. I am starting all over. I just want you to not worry about me. I know you always did. Daddy and Jan are taking good care of us. I wish you could have met Morgan. She is a trip! There is only two words to describe her: "Terrible Twos"! Adam is gonna take good care of me to. You watch Momma I am gonna make you so happy. I am gonna be the best wife and Mother I can be. And don't worry Momma, I am gonna say my prayers. I always do. I always could hear you say "don't forget to say you prayers" and it made me smile. I miss you Momma. I know that this is God's way of taking care of you and stopping you from hurting anymore. You are with him now and he is gonna take care of you. He let me know that you are with him. He told me. I just wish we had longer together but I will come join you soon Momma. Give Mommaw Fick a hug and a kiss for me and tell her that I love her. Momma I love you and I will always be your # 1 Baby!   I love you,     Jennifer Lauren    (your # 1 Baby)Hey Mom ! I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I miss you so much !! I always will !! I don't know how I'm gonna live without you! I just want to hear   your voice one more time , See your pretty face just one more time, Hear another one of you Lame jokes that I already knew before  you said them, nut actign like it was the funniest thing in the world to me, just to hear your laugh!! Mom, I know that you are in Heaven and that you are in good hands now. You fight your addiction anymore. You've done allyou were put on this Earth to do, You Finally you got your life straight and lived for God. Everyday I use to wonder where you were and what you were doing and if you were ok and if you knew I loved you no matter what you done. And I know you knew I loved you and that I still do love you ! I  know that you didn't live a perfect life, but hey who has !?! God knows you love him and that you belive in his word.  I think he took you home with him. I think he did it because you finally got lose from the devil and he seen his opportunity to get you when he did before the devil got a hold of you again. I love you Mother and I always will !! I know I will be just fine .. because i know you are my Guardian Angel !! And that you are watching out for me all the time !! I love you mom !! See you soon!! I Love you !! YOUR SPECIAL BABY, Ashley LaShay